Lead, I will Follow

What a relief to have a husband.
Not just A husband, but a Danny Dulin husband. He makes submitting and following so easy and safe.

None of you would think I was a weak woman, would you? Am I a pushover? Am I incapable of taking care of myself (or child)? No, not at all.

What a relief to have a husband who understands so perfectly what it means to lead his wife and family and love me like:

²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰for we are members of his body. [Ephesians 5:25-30]

This is not newlywed mushy crap I am spewing. I am married to an excellent man and I have seen more of Christ in his life than many other Christian men who have been Christians (and husbands) for years. Being this kind of husband has nothing to do with length of years --- it has to do with the submission of his heart to Christ.

If you are married to a man who believes anything else or practices anything less, you are missing out.

Danny, lead. I WILL follow. Danny, when you lead, you make it easy to follow. Thank you for your leading during this time.

How did I survive before without him?

PS on the Chick-Fil-A

Maybe my mom and I should learn this song.....

Toast

Its been a challenging 48 hrs.

Danny and I headed to H'burg Sunday afternoon. Monday we went with my mom to her appointment for diagnosis and out of respect for her, I'll just say its not a good scenario.

That afternoon we packed her a bag, put her dogs in a kennel and brought her back with us to Raleigh. She was thrilled to join us with an attitude of adventure. She had never had Chik-Filet strips before and loved their house sauce: "This sauce is reallllllly good!"

She musta rearranged the pillows in the back seat to 30 different configurations before finally falling asleep 45 minutes outside of Raleigh. She wanted to surprise Lauren and Michael and I didn't have the heart to let her know they knew she was coming but made sure they acted surprise when they saw her. She is still talking about how fun it was to see Michael's face when he saw her. He is stellar with her. Just like his father.

Today we dropped off her medical records/test results with a Dr. in Raleigh for him to review and get the ball rolling for an appt this Friday. She will be getting treatment here.

We also went apartment hunting and found one she is very excited about 9 minutes from our house.

Logistically things are going well. My mother seems very agreeable in trusting my and Danny's judgment in taking care of her and understanding her needs. That's a major breakthrough.

She does not entirely understand her diagnosis and the depth of the situation but I suppose that will come in time.

I'm exhausted but feel the effects of your prayers lifting my arms just like Moses. If you're not familiar with this story, its wonderful. It is found in Exodus 17:8-16

⁸ The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. ⁹ Moses said to Joshua, "Choose some of our men. Then go out and fight against the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill. I'll stand there with the staff of God in my hands."

¹⁰ So Joshua fought against the Amalekites, just as Moses had ordered.

Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. ¹¹ As long as Moses held his hands up, the Israelites were winning. But every time he lowered his hands, the Amalekites began to win.

¹² When Moses' arms got tired, Aaron and Hur got a stone and put it under him. Then he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up. Aaron was on one side, and Hur was on the other. Moses' hands remained steady until sunset.

¹³ So Joshua destroyed the Amalekite army with swords.

¹⁴ Then the Lord said to Moses, "That is something to be remembered. So write it on a scroll. Make sure Joshua knows you have done it. I will completely erase the memory of the Amalekites from the earth."

¹⁵ Then Moses built an altar. He called it The Lord Is My Banner. ¹⁶ He said, "I raised my hands toward the throne of the Lord. The Lord will fight against the Amalekites for all time to come."

Those of you who have been faithful in prayer for me have been what has lifted my arms and hands (and Danny's). I suppose it might be sacrilege to say this blog is the scroll by which to record it, but I guess it is. Thank you and please don't stop. This is just the beginning. The victory --- no matter what it looks like ---- is one I am humbled to share with you.

I head back with my mom to Hburg Friday after her appt. Hopefully, my best friends Zoe and Sue will be accompanying us and will help with some initial packing.

Miss Saigon

And no, I'm not talking about me (for a change).

Saturday, we had a double date with the Bill and Sue. Went to one of my favorite restaurants 18 Seaboard and then saw the production of Miss Saigon with the NC Theatre at the Progress Energy Performing Arts Center (our version of the Kennedy Center).

We got extra tickets so Lauren and her friend could meet us there for the show. We did not have to get a ticket for Michael because he is part of the tech crew! He has a 2 week internship with the production and is enjoying this professional experience. There is a helicopter on the set and of course "hot Asian actresses." (Who can blame the poor boy?!) The BEST part was seeing Michael's name listed in the credits for student interns in the program --- TOOO COOL! I'm not sure there wasn't a person in the audience Danny didn't share that info with :)

The production is a modern day adaptation of "Madame Butterfly" and set around 1975 (I left Vietnam at the age BTW). The storyline is about a young Vietnamese girl seeking a better life in the big city of Saigon after her village is bombed killing her parents and ends up as a prostitute (shocker). An American marine meets her at the Dreamland nightclub and they fall in love (shocker). Its about lost love and sacrifice, etc. All very dramatic and terrible ending but I won't ruin it for you.

Say what you will be it was good to enjoy excellent food, friends and "thea-TAH." All within 10 minutes from the house. Raleigh rocks. The dress I got for the event was $115 on sale for $27 and had it altered a bit so that added another $10. It gave me a reason to wear my favorite red shoes and the red lipstick to match. Sometimes its just fun to be Miss Saigon. Uh, I mean a girl.

Honor Your Mother and Father

The 5th (did I count correctly?) commandment is:

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. (Exodus 20:12)

How hard can this be? Ask my daughter when she is up to her eyeballs in pride in bucking my authority and she can tell you its almost impossible to honor me. Ask the stubborn 5 year-old that refuses to restrain their tantrum near candy in the grocery store. Those are easy and obvious examples.

But now ask me, a 38 year-old woman (young lady!!!) who cannot control her frustrations with her mom when it comes to communication about the simplest things.

The issue of parental authority and God's commandment for children who are not adults and still live with their parents is clear. Its not difficult to explain the logic to Lauren. She understands this Biblical principle. She understands that if she doesn't learn to submit to my authority she will struggle in her issues with ANY and ALL authority God places in her life most specifically His. She is also understanding that its not just about authority, but its about honoring. What does that look like? Outside of those moments of butting heads, how does she intentionally honor me (in order to honor God)?

I bring this full circle. I am ashamed to confess that I have been a poor example of an adult child in honoring my mother (and father). As adult children we are no longer under their authority, but the honoring part doesn't stop, even if we end up being caretakers, etc.

This seems to be a big fat DUH. But for me its been a long road of resisting and failing in my lack of self-control with my frustrations and impatience with my mother. Don't get me wrong, she is taxing. And she is most often irrational and all these things I know have medical and emotional and mental causes. I understand WHY she is the way she is, but I fail at honoring her regardless of the way she is.

The saddest thing is my daughter has seen me "lose it" with my mom continuously and the result has been me seriously DIShonoring my mom. How can I teach my child to honor me if I can't as an adult honor my own mother? Really, its quite shameful.

As we approach an appointment this Monday for my mother to hear diagnosis of her situation, I am well aware of the worst case scenario being confirmed. How interesting that its at this kind of season in my mother's life that the idea of honoring her weighs heavy on my heart.

As I begin to process and deal with the guilt of the many times I have dishonored her, I realize how little I have spent my life choosing to intentionally honoring her.

And I'm sorry it takes til now for me to start to do that. Many of you have heard crazy and funny stories of various situations I find myself in with my mom. Some of you even remember her from my days in high school when she was healthy and full of spunk (she still has the spunk).

Last year I spent time memorizing Philippians 4:4-13. I did so to train my mind and heart to think about:

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things...

And I think this applies to my mother. I think this applies to how I can (and am called by God) to honor her from here on out. I don't need to focus on more stories about how difficult she is, because she wasn't always this way. And I don't need to define her only by way she chooses to live her life right now, because she wasn't always that way.

There was a time I looked up at my mother and thought she was the most beautiful, talented, and hard-working woman. There was a time when there was nothing she couldn't cook or sew with excellence. There was a time where every piece of clothing she put on her body looked amazing. There was a time when she never had a bad hair day. There was a time when we wore matching outfits (yes, jumpers in the 70's) that made feel like we were a dynamic mother/daughter duo. There was a time she would not hesitate to creatively throw me a birthday party to ensure my day was special but to ensure that all my friends had a good time. There was a time we'd select the most ambitious Vogue pattern for a formal dress so that she could make me a one of kind prom dress.

Many of these things are superficial to some extent, but much of it is the heart of a mother that very much wanted to serve and give to her daughter and family.

I don't want my memories and heart for my mother to be stuck in the last 20 years of regular conflict and frustration. She is my mother. The only one I got and the best one God provided for me. This is the woman my God chose to be my mother. He chose Mary for Jesus and He chose Yen Snead for me. Was He any less careless or sovereign in His choice for me? No. It is impossible for God to do anything wrong. Including providing me with the mother I have.

And why does it take until TODAY for me to understand the specific intention of my heavenly Father in giving me a woman like her to be the one to raise me? She was what I needed growing up and she is still what I need in my life TODAY to still grow up.

I don't want this to be just about her past glory. I want to honor her for who she is today too. Its harder but without it, I will face this season with the attitude of "getting thru it."

Today she is still courageous and brave. There is no one she is afraid of. NO ONE. Today she is still overly generous in her gift giving. It is definitely her language of love. Today she is able to recognize and thank me for the efforts I make in taking care of her. Today she is able to communicate how much she misses and loves Lauren. Today she is able to laugh and joke with my Danny. Today she is able to fully be moved by my gift giving to her. Today she still thinks of me and my family when she grocery shops. Today she still stocks her house with treats she knows we like. Today she brags about me in front of people we see in public. Today she beams with pride that I am her daughter and that I am "newly married" and I am visiting her all the way from North Carolina as to say "See how much my daughter loves me that she travels all that way to see me?"

And starting today I want to intentionally honor her and therefor honor my God.

Yen and Jacque Snead, 1976-77(?)

Stupid Teenagers

If you think I'm talking about my kids, you're wrong. If you think I'm talking about teenagers in general, you're wrong.

I'm talking about us. I'm talking about how it is unbelievable to me that God doesn't say exasperated on a regular basis about us when He sees our hearts, minds and lives: "Oh, stupid, stupid...... stoooopid teenager....."

Why as grown-ups --- "mature Christians" do we STILL make choices that are like those of teenagers? Self-indulgent, lacking in full truth, and with no regard to consequences? Why do we still insist on talking our way around, up and down, inside and out of basic biblical truth?

Why do we concentrate on where we can find the loophole in Scripture instead of focusing on obeying and honoring the OBVIOUS commandments??

Why do we think we deserve happiness at any and all cost and God should be happy about us demanding we be happy no matter what? Why do we think there is actually a verse in the Bible that says: "Go therefore and be happy," sayeth the Lord.

Why do we STILL operate on feelings and thoughts as if our feelings and thoughts have any merit that are above what Scripture says clearly? Why do we honor "extremes of impractical mysticism and fleshly enthusiasm" over God's Word?

Why do we think God's "specific" will for our lives can be above reproach of scripture and the accountability of other believers?

Why after all this time, do we still act like foolish, stupid teenagers who have one foot in childhood and the other in adulthood?

And why do we think that our actions and the choices we make as Christians only effect our tiny circle?

So if I am not talking about my teenagers, then who am I talking about? Who and where are all these stupid teenagers? I am talking about me. And I could very well be talking about you.

Day 10: Painting #1

I give up. No, I don't. Am frustrated with Danny's face. Still need to rework the nose. Still need to finish up the eyes and make them less girly.

Resist the Whining at all Cost

I am tired.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

I possess a long list of talents and gifts. There isn't enough time to name them all. Whining unfortunately is one of them. Ah, yes the sin of grumbling and complaining . . .

Did I mention I am tired? I am overwhelmed in thinking about the upcoming logistics of my mother's situation. I am not working out. I am facing opposition in dealing with my mother's affairs from her financial person. I am facing a client who is an amateur in the business of project management and wastes my time. I have a friend who's friendship with me is "strained."

I am tired. I am sad and I want to sleep. Oh, but wait, I can't sleep. That's why I have a sleep study set up for the end of April. I don't know what to cook for dinner. Every day it seems I don't know what to cook for dinner.

I have to go grocery shopping again. I don't have the energy. I am tired.

I am disappointed in my painting. Why am I painting again? Oh, yes, because I'm so "talented."

Mostly, I am tired and sad. But really, what pure joy to know my life rests safely and securely in the hands of Christ. Understand there is no sarcasm. Did I need God less when I wasn't tired and wasn't sad? Of course not. Did I need God more just when all these things added themselves on top of each other? No, of course not.

Please don't feel sorry for me. Even though sometimes my whiney heart might beg you to. Please help me to see the opportunity that lies ahead for me each day as I struggle to put one foot forward and choose to praise God even when I can barely think. Today IS the day that the Lord has made and I WILL be glad and rejoice in it.

Painting #1 and Painting#2

Here is the progress on both paintings.

Painitng #1
I've had to redo Danny's face and now his nose is too big. His eyes are not finished still but they are too large and too close together. I've added his gray hair. I've also finished the fine detail with the bee which I am happy with.





Painting #2
Still in the discovery stage but painting away. When I am working on this painting the time just seems to fly. Enjoying it so much. My instructor suggested I turn the painting around and I liked the composition even better.

Away from Home

Its been a busy last week. Busy good, and busy not so good. Busy good included painting and a freelance design project. The not so good included an unexpected trip Danny and I had to make to my mom's last Thursday because she had some medical issues. We returned home Saturday.

She is fine for now, but has further tests and therefore I am back in the 'Burg today. I made the trip up here by myself and am sad to be away from home and my family. I will be here until Saturday possibly Sunday.

I got to meet my friend Beth at the 1/2 way point for lunch and it was just what I needed. Thanks Beth for the great conversation, lunch, laughter and prayer. You were a refreshment for my spirit. Plus your boxer Chester is so handsome!

We are anticipating a season of life for my mom that will be difficult. Please be praying for us. I'm tired right now and miss my husband and I sound like I am whining. I don't mean to. I want to love and serve and bless my mother, but find I am so often incapable.

A Red Painting, the Homeless and French Fries

Painting #2: A Study of Reds
Here is the pic I meant to post of my new painting as discussed in my last post. It looks more like pinks. But no matter, I love pink too. (Did you see my wedding dress??!!)



Homeless and French Fries
Yesterday was my first day for my shift at the Raleigh Rescue Mission. It is a Christian organization that has been around since 1960 and in the heart of Raleigh. They have about 50 residents that live on their campus but they routinely serve the homeless community. There are classes, GED tutoring, health clinic, daycare, etc. Its pretty amazing. Anyway, I have volunteered on the first and third Tuesday of the month to help serve lunch in their cafeteria.

That's right, in addition to being an artist, designer, actress, hair stylist -- I am also the "lunch lady." And we wonder why I'm considered a Renaissance woman.

They have a pretty great set-up. The women come in around 11:30 and one of the residents says grace. The men arrive around 11:45. The staff and volunteers get to eat lunch there too. I passed, but let me tell you there were some serious fresh French fries staring me in the face. I got to serve the baked beans and corn. The menu also included chili dogs, lasagna, garlic bread, ice-cream, salad bar, fresh fruit, cake and pie.

Now I will get fat from donuts at painting class and food from the homeless shelter. Is there humor in this?

I am excited about this volunteering. My heart has wanted to do this for awhile. The volunteer coordinator said she might need me to facilitate a quilting class or teach a drawing/art class. Again, the term Renaissance woman comes to mind.

I'm no one special doing this volunteer stuff. Its so easy to do this kind of work and deceive yourself into feeling good about yourself. That is the thing. When this kind of thing is no longer convenient, or stretches my busy "schedule" or requires me to give up the comfortableness of my life, then I can "brag." But for now, for now I'm just a Renaissance woman eying the French fries at the homeless shelter.