Wow!

I lost 10 pounds! My boobs got bigger! My butt is smaller! My hair lost its split ends! My skin plumped up! I got carded for no reason! I did math above the 5th grade level! I overturned Roe vs. Wade! I almost caused world peace. Stacey London asked me for fashion advice!

Okay, I lie. But I needed to blog about something happy. Maybe I can describe my burrito I had at dinner at Salsaritas?

I thought this week was long.......today has been the longest day of my life and its still not over.

Excerpt from Zoe's email to my girls:

That brings us to this morning. She was alert, talking, and in good spirits. WOW. What a change. As arranged, today was discharge day. Hospice is involved, and there will be nurses/ nurse aids with her in the apartment. They successfully got Mrs. Snead to the apartment, and things were going quite smoothly. She seemed very happy to be there. Were. Seemed.

She decided she needed to go to the bathroom. She didn't understand/ believe Jacqueline about the catheter. Then she decided she needed to take it out. All of the sudden, she "had the strength of an ox." She turned on Jax and Danny, and has been very angry. However, as the hospice nurse said, once she calms down with the sedative she will not remember this ever happened. Unfortunately, Jacqueline and Danny will. Please pray for them.

As you can imagine, it has been a very long, hard day. On top of everything, tonight is shaping up to be a long one. Mrs. Snead's sister and niece are flying in from Ca., but missed their connection. They will arrive in Raleigh around midnight. Please pray for rest, rejuvenation, comfort, a short memory, tenderness and patience for everyone. We also need to pray for the Dulin family as they need time together, and they need their hearts protected.

Thursday

Another day at the hospital. Right now its 8:30 pm. Unfortunately it wasn't just another day at the hospital.

My mom seems to have declined even more. She did not eat today really and was not conscious that I could really tell.

We got here this morning. She loves mushrooms, so I made her scrambled eggs with sauteed mushrooms and bits of green onion and sprinkled with cheese. I was hopeful it would be a breakfast she might enjoy. She could barely eat 2 bites. She fell asleep mid-chewing. There is a bad risk of her leaving food in her mouth when she falls asleep while eating and choking.

I left her to go to painting class. It was a gorgeous day in Raleigh. I've been to both my Monday and Thursday class this week and its been so good for me to have 3 hours to "forget" my life, and remarkably my painting time has been excellent. I'm pretty happy with my 3rd painting. Even my teacher says its a very good painting and I can tell she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it.

After painting class, I came back and have been here all day. I met with Hospice and arrangements have been made for my mother to be discharged tomorrow and be transported to her apartment. It hardly seems possible for her to go back she is completely unable to do anything for herself and is unconscious most of the time now. But there isn't much more they can do here at the hospital and except keep her "comfortable" and wait. Which, I guess we can do just as well in her "home."

She will have a nurse aide for 24 hr care, but the hospice nurse will come every day M-F, or as needed if more. The staff here has been pretty wonderful. Everyone seems to "understand." I can't imagine doing this for a living. Caring for someone who will not get better.

My mother's older sister, my Auntie Oanh (pronounced 'one') is flying in tomorrow from Pasadena. She will be shocked by my mother's condition, but my cousin has tried to prepare her. She will be staying at mother's indefinitely and that will be good. I hope my mom will be able to know she is here.

I have had such a difficult time praying. It seems odd to pray. I can blog, I can paint, I can read (got myself Amy Tan's The Kitchen God's Wife), but I can't pray. When people ask me how they can pray I usually ask for wisdom in decision-making.

My mother is dying. I'm not mad at God. I think I am distantly in awe of Him. Here it is. Another cruel example of our fallen world. Sin exists and it promises each and everyone of us death. He gives and takes away. We all have to die. We can't escape it. This was not what He wanted for us. This was the heartache He knew would pain Him as it pains us.

My theology hasn't changed so far in this experience. It didn't change with my father's death. Perhaps I am too tired to be angry at God. And although you'll hear me say, "It is what it is" in reference to this season of life, there is something so mysterious and unbelievable in watching life slip from a human being. That is powerful. No wonder God cries to redeem us, to save us.

I don't feel the NEED to pray. Or maybe I'm too lazy. He is sovereign. He really IS. Nothing I pray will change the course set before me. I know that and I'm resigned to it, but I'm comforted by it. God is God. And isn't that enough?

It is so heartbreaking to stop and realize what I'm looking at when I look into her eyes that no longer focus on me. They stare up in the ceiling or at the wall. I wonder what must they see. Can they see? The nurses say hearing is the last thing to go. So I am sure to tell her I love her and say sweet nothings to her. It is awkward but necessary. And it is getting easier. My eyes need to smile back at her when in a fleeting moment hers might connect with mine.

Her body is so thin. She was a bitty before, but her legs seem to be the size of my arms. I hate that I am getting use to her withering body. Its weird that it doesn't shock me anymore. My aunt will be heartbroken when she sees her.

Today she needed oxygen. IV, oxygen, catheter...... its all so invasive, necessary and horrific at the same time.

Yesterday, I heard a voice in me that said, "You've lost her." And maybe I haven't, but with so little consciousness and barely any "communication" I have little hope of any normal conversation to return. But who knows, perhaps today we are taking our 3 steps backward and tomorrow we will take one step forward again.

This is sad. This is life. This is death. Nothing I can do will change that.

The Roller Coaster with No Amusement [Park]

My mom's situation is a constant roller coaster ride. It has been since the day she was admitted to the hospital. Literally things can change within a couple of hours. Just when things seem "calm" and "comfortable" things change. Just when things seem terribly sad and stressful, things calm down. I don't know why I wasn't prepared for the ride.

I don't know why its taken me so long, but I finally got it thru my head (and heart?) last night that this is the journey. My father's decline was textbook so things seem to "make sense" in what we were observing.

My mother's condition is declining for sure. But within the decline, there are ups and downs. She was for the most part recognizing my help and being comforted by my presence and communication. Last night she was angry, confused, frustrated and quite stressed out and directed it toward Danny, and most specifically me.

I am her constant. The nurse team changes. The realization of being in the hospital comes and goes. Danny is here minimally too. I'm the one she sees and obviously recognizes easiest. It was hard dealing with her anger. The nurse was kind and reminded me not to take it personally. "She is not herself and her mind is playing tricks on her. You are doing the right thing, you can't take what she says personally."

But I did. I did take it personally in my heart even though my mind told me differently. She is at the end of her rope. And for the first time as I cried leaving her room last night thinking, "I don't want to come back. Don't make me come back."

But this morning I came back. And she was alert although she is not really talking (or can talk). She seemed calm and let me feed her a big breakfast. She is fast asleep again now. The Food Network is on.

The days are like 72 hours each. I have trouble distinguishing which day is which. Zoe and her daughter came up Monday night to take BamBam home with them Tuesday morning. I saw my best friend for a total of 40 minutes. And I was sad to see my puppy go, but with no one at home, he can't be left at home. I am grateful he is having a blast with Espy (Zoe's dog).

I feel guilty when I am not here at the hospital. I feel guilty because I am not available for my daughter. But this is the condition of our lives. What else can I do? What I am doing now seems so insignificant. I have to make decisions for my mom I do not like.

Everyone says, "You are doing the best you can." Am I? What IS the "best" ???

I need to go get some protein. Please keep praying for us.

Hospital or Hotel?

We have just spent our first night at the hospital -- WakeMed Cary. And it is swank. This place is wonderful. It feels like we're in a hotel "suite" and not a hospital. I swear, IKEA musta decorated this place. Between the flat screen TV, faux bamboo back lighting and the state of the art bed that automatically adjusts the patient's pressure points to prevent bed sores, the cool designed fold out bed/couch AND the modern art on the walls, we are doing ALRIGHT. Plus there is free wi-fi. Oh, and the view is beautiful. I don't lie.

My mom is doing considerably better. Her comfort level has increased and she seems much, much more alert and back to doing some things for herself. The pain meds via IV is making all the difference and the high tech bed has provided her with a good night's sleep. Praise God for it all.

The staff here is wonderful. Her doctor is wonderful. She is doing so much better she hugged the man this morning. I swear to you, this man is probably the kindest human being I've ever met. This man just exudes kindness and compassion. My mom recognizes it --- even on all the drugs she's on. I think there was one point this morning she was trying to flirt with the man.

We saw a turn for the better in her last night when she was joking around with her Filipino nurse and said, "The Vietnamese are prettier than Filipinos!" That's my mom. Now you know where I get it from. Okay, now you know where I get A LOT of things from.

It was a good night for her. She is showing signs of motor skills returning to "normal" and there is laughing and significant interaction/engagement on her part. We would have never believed it 24 hrs. ago.

I was so tired last night when I crashed here I didn't even know when Danny left to say good-bye to go home. But as hospitals go, there is always a nurse coming in to check the vitals every couple of hours, her need to use the restroom and the random beeps and alarms of the IV stuff. I was up at 11:30 pm, 3 am, 5 am. When my husband showed up with a one splenda vente latte from Starbucks at 7:30 this morning I thought he was sent from God. Wait, I've felt that way about since June 7, 2008....

We are all sitting here with her -- Michael, Lauren, Danny and I. She is joking around. Telling Lauren she likes her shoes. Okay, now Michael and Lauren are arguing about fashion. Really? Teenagers...... All feels right and well with our little Snead, Bullock and Dulin world. I will enjoy and be grateful for these moments.

Saturday

I am sitting at my mom's as she is asleep. It was a rough night for all of us. Things are happening much faster than we expected. My heart is broken as it still can't seem to know what to "expect".

My friend Zoe sent out an email to update our group and it sums things up well. I'm sorry I can't focus to do it myself, but it is important to me that I document these events in our life and whatever time I have left with my mom. Your prayers for us however God leads you is needed.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hello Friends-
I am supposed to be sending out an email about our upcoming get-together and cruise. Unfortunately, this is not that email. As most know, Mrs. Snead moved to Raleigh last weekend. Now it seems crazy that was only a week ago. She has gone downhill very quickly. While she was getting around completely on her own, she is now hardly able to walk. Jax and Danny spent the night with her last night, and it was quite rough. She seemed fairly non-responsive and not able to care for herself. Jax is awaiting the hospital's call telling her Mrs. Snead's room is ready. (Cool aside: God has provided a great doc. who has been on call every time they have needed him.) My understanding is they are admitting her to the hospital today to get fluids and meds in her. Jax is expecting to find out what's the best course of action- Will Mrs.Snead stay in the hospital or be released for hospice and Jax to care for her. Please be praying for the whole situation, but especially for Jax as this has come very quickly. I have no idea how someone can prepare for this, but she has been given a short timeline.

I know Jax loves you and covets your prayers. I am so thankful for our friendships. It is a great reminder that in a world full of sin and heartache, God is great.
Love you~ Z

Spare Change

When we were packing my mom up last weekend, we found several large plastic containers of change. There were 3 filled with just pennies. Two with quarters. One with dimes and I think 2 with nickles.

So we took her change to the Kroger change for cash machine. After 20 minutes, 779 quarters, 567 nickels, 1004 dimes, and 2802 pennies we had a grand total of $320.23. Tell me its not worth it to save your change! CHA-ching!

And you all thought I was a little OCD with my spices!

No Title

We have moved my mother to Raleigh.

I wanted to blog about the experience, because in many ways, there were various moments of humor and bittersweetness in the process that I wanted to document.

But it feels like it happened so long ago. Easter feels like it happened so long ago.

The only reason I am writing this post now is because I am sitting in the waiting room while my mom gets a PET scan and she is “radioactive” right now and they don’t want me in the room with her.

There have been a million emotions and swings in my mental and emotional and spiritual condition.

But the current condition of my life is this: my mother’s needs now consumes my life. Simple tasks take inordinate amount of time and energy for her and for me to assist her.

When I got home last night, my husband was in the kitchen fixing dinner (because I had nothing left in me to take care of my own family), I kissed him and said, “I’m going to take a bath.”

I proceeded to submerge myself in a hot bubble bath and I wanted so desperately to fall asleep in it. I needed so desperately to be left alone. I had nothing left to say, to think, or to give.

I am angry. I am not angry at my mom. I am not angry at God. I am just angry that I can’t count on my life to be my own right now. I still have that stupid ringworm and haven’t had the time of day to call the Dr. for myself. I don’t have time to even grocery shop.

The only “Easter” we had was the church service on Sunday. It was just Danny and I (the kids were in VA). It was such a nourishing, sweet time of worship and the tears in my eyes and the tears in Danny’s eyes were indication that both of us were starving to have time to love and be loved by Christ.

One of the praise songs we sang went something like this:

We honor you Lord.
We honor you Lord.
We honor you Lord, because you are GREAT.

I don’t have to “enjoy” this difficult season with my mom. I don’t have to like it one bit. I don’t have to survive it with grace and I don’t have to be the perfect daughter I know I cannot be right now, or ever for my mother. But I do, I DO have to honor my God because He is GREAT. He is all things I am not. Because of Christ, I can be all things He is.

I don’t know how to explain the blessing of worshipping God when life feels like its squeezing the mess out of you. God deserves worship and honor. And yet, when our hearts are put in a place that our faces are on the ground in worship of Him, He BLESSES us.

I cry a lot more now. Not just because once in awhile the sadness of our situation rears its ugly reality head, but because I am just plain tired and see that I am no one with anything special to do with any significance unless I have Christ.

How does this world get along without Christ? Where can there hope be?

Mmmm . . . . Basil . . . . Bruschetta

I got a basil plant from Kroger's 3 weeks ago and its wonderful. It has grown 3 times its size. I've given part of the plant to my neighbor to try and use it up.

I love fresh basil and particularly in bruschetta especially with summer 'maters. I've been making a lot of it and the recipe I found online is delicious!! Click HERE for the recipe.

I'm going to be branching out pretty soon into the pesto arena. I'm looking for recipes that use fresh basil --- if you have any, please share!

Only You Can Prevent House Fires

Yesterday we got a call from our renters VA that there was an attic fire that woke them up at 3 am. Nice. They got the fire out but called the fire department anyway and the fire pros ripped out the ceiling, roof, master bath door and more. They suspect there was a faulty wire with the master bath fan that started it. No one was hurt and our insurance company which is USAA is taking care of everything. (BTW, can I just say once again USAA ROCKS?!)

In the long run, this is sorta a blessing. There will be a lot of repairs to the house, and the house needed a lot of repairs BEFORE the fire, so this will work in our favor. Of course, there's still a $1K deductible but with possible damages adding up to over $10K, who's complaining! And really, why should life be uneventful and boring?

P.S. I still have ringworm......

Congrats to the Tar Heels!

Okay, the truth of the matter is that my only connection with UNC Chapel Hill is that I got married there at a historical hotel on campus. But as we are starting the college process, its on the top of our list. So we are unofficially Tar Heels --- okay, I'M ---- preppin' myself to be a Tar Heel mom. Who doesn't love that gorgeous Carolina blue anyway?

Our congrats to the Tar Heels as they destroyed Michigan State last night! (Okay, I didn't even watch the game and was watching Dancing with the Stars instead!).

Packing Up Mrs. Snead

This post is not about all we got done at my mom's house this weekend. And we got A LOT done. We packed up all her clothes or donated them; packed the kitchen; weeded through the pantry; packed up all the lines and laundry room. When I say we, of course, I am talking about Zoe, Sue and myself. I know there could have been more if schedules allowed, but this is a testament again to friendship.

Who chooses to spend their weekend packing up someone else's mom's stuff? Who chooses to make it a fun road trip when it involves a drive of 5 hours? Who chooses to take away valuable time from their husbands and families to serve me this way? People like Zoe and Sue. If you don't have a couple of Zoes and Sues in your life, you're missing out.

Fast and Crazy Update

Last week was such a crazy... interesting... eventful (?) week with my mom visiting.
Here are the various facts in and out of chronological order.

1. Overall my mom had a pleasant stay in Raleigh. We accomplished A LOT and had time to enjoy each other.

2. Found her a brand new 3 bedroom luxury apt. 9 minutes away. More importantly, the Target, Starbucks and Kohl's is only 1 minute away. Ground floor, access to pool, club house, gym and an indoor basketball court. She is quite excited about her new digs, especially since she will get to bring her two rat dogs with her.

3. Danny got a 24 hour stomach bug. Let's just say it was a similar to the experience you'd have if you were preppin' for a colonoscopy.

4. My mother fell 3 out of the 5 days she stayed with us. The last night at 3 AM, she confused the basement door for the 1/2 bath and fell all the way DOWN THE STAIRS in the dark into Michael's bedroom. You can imagine it scared the crap out of him. Thankfully, she was not "hurt" -- I KID YOU NOT!! That woman is like a bouncing Gumby, its amazing --- God must just be protecting her. She had no major injuries but it shook her up quite a bit.

5. That same night, literally as we are helping my mom recover, I come down with the 24 hour stomach flu only I get it coming out of both ends and I have a fever. I was so sick I could not take my mom to her Dr's appt.

6. My mom loves her new Dr. WHAT A HUGE blessing! In addition, she seems to listen to Danny and trust him in helping her in a way she and I butt heads. Also, the Dr. prescribed some pain medication that is helping tremendously. She felt immediate relief.

7. Because I was so sick Friday morning, my road trip with Zoe and Sue taking my mom back to H'burg was canceled. I started to feel significantly better Friday evening. Saturday Danny, my mom and I got up at 6 am, headed to the Dunkin' Doughnuts and then to H'burg. My mom slept most of the way and quite comfortably. This is a good sign. Another good sign is my mom gained 3 lbs while visiting us.

8. We get to the 'Burg and go to pick up her dogs at the kennel. Their carrier doesn't have the gate/door so we toss the dogs in the trunk. We get to my mom's house and there is a major power outage so we can't get into the garage because it has an electric door. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!! The obvious solution would be to use the front door, except that EVERY door entering the house has a chain link on it EXCEPT the one in the garage!!!!!!!!!!!! Brilliant, retired Army Captain hubby of mine finds a way in and all is good.

9. After settling my mom, measuring various furniture and other stuff, Danny and I head back to Raleigh and get home at 8:30 at night. Whew...........

And this week was actually "normal." Tomorrow Zoe, Sue and I head to H'burg to help my mom like planned. What fun to have such friends! We will be stopping in Richmond at the 1/2 point to have lunch with our buddy Beth.

Oh, and I have ringworm on my right leg.
Have a great weekend all.

Paintings

Painting #1 - "QueenB Dethroned"
I can't do anymore. It is what it is and its the first painting I've done in over 6 years so let's consider it a warm-up excercise. Its finished.

oil on canvas
"QueenB Dethroned"

Painting #2 - Day 4
Almost finished. This picture doesn't capture the colors well. I like it and hate it. I'm afraid I will over work it.