Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. (Exodus 20:12)
How hard can this be? Ask my daughter when she is up to her eyeballs in pride in bucking my authority and she can tell you its almost impossible to honor me. Ask the stubborn 5 year-old that refuses to restrain their tantrum near candy in the grocery store. Those are easy and obvious examples.
But now ask me, a 38 year-old woman (young lady!!!) who cannot control her frustrations with her mom when it comes to communication about the simplest things.
The issue of parental authority and God's commandment for children who are not adults and still live with their parents is clear. Its not difficult to explain the logic to Lauren. She understands this Biblical principle. She understands that if she doesn't learn to submit to my authority she will struggle in her issues with ANY and ALL authority God places in her life most specifically His. She is also understanding that its not just about authority, but its about honoring. What does that look like? Outside of those moments of butting heads, how does she intentionally honor me (in order to honor God)?
I bring this full circle. I am ashamed to confess that I have been a poor example of an adult child in honoring my mother (and father). As adult children we are no longer under their authority, but the honoring part doesn't stop, even if we end up being caretakers, etc.
This seems to be a big fat DUH. But for me its been a long road of resisting and failing in my lack of self-control with my frustrations and impatience with my mother. Don't get me wrong, she is taxing. And she is most often irrational and all these things I know have medical and emotional and mental causes. I understand WHY she is the way she is, but I fail at honoring her regardless of the way she is.
The saddest thing is my daughter has seen me "lose it" with my mom continuously and the result has been me seriously DIShonoring my mom. How can I teach my child to honor me if I can't as an adult honor my own mother? Really, its quite shameful.
As we approach an appointment this Monday for my mother to hear diagnosis of her situation, I am well aware of the worst case scenario being confirmed. How interesting that its at this kind of season in my mother's life that the idea of honoring her weighs heavy on my heart.
As I begin to process and deal with the guilt of the many times I have dishonored her, I realize how little I have spent my life choosing to intentionally honoring her.
And I'm sorry it takes til now for me to start to do that. Many of you have heard crazy and funny stories of various situations I find myself in with my mom. Some of you even remember her from my days in high school when she was healthy and full of spunk (she still has the spunk).
Last year I spent time memorizing Philippians 4:4-13. I did so to train my mind and heart to think about:
whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things...And I think this applies to my mother. I think this applies to how I can (and am called by God) to honor her from here on out. I don't need to focus on more stories about how difficult she is, because she wasn't always this way. And I don't need to define her only by way she chooses to live her life right now, because she wasn't always that way.
There was a time I looked up at my mother and thought she was the most beautiful, talented, and hard-working woman. There was a time when there was nothing she couldn't cook or sew with excellence. There was a time where every piece of clothing she put on her body looked amazing. There was a time when she never had a bad hair day. There was a time when we wore matching outfits (yes, jumpers in the 70's) that made feel like we were a dynamic mother/daughter duo. There was a time she would not hesitate to creatively throw me a birthday party to ensure my day was special but to ensure that all my friends had a good time. There was a time we'd select the most ambitious Vogue pattern for a formal dress so that she could make me a one of kind prom dress.
Many of these things are superficial to some extent, but much of it is the heart of a mother that very much wanted to serve and give to her daughter and family.
I don't want my memories and heart for my mother to be stuck in the last 20 years of regular conflict and frustration. She is my mother. The only one I got and the best one God provided for me. This is the woman my God chose to be my mother. He chose Mary for Jesus and He chose Yen Snead for me. Was He any less careless or sovereign in His choice for me? No. It is impossible for God to do anything wrong. Including providing me with the mother I have.
And why does it take until TODAY for me to understand the specific intention of my heavenly Father in giving me a woman like her to be the one to raise me? She was what I needed growing up and she is still what I need in my life TODAY to still grow up.
I don't want this to be just about her past glory. I want to honor her for who she is today too. Its harder but without it, I will face this season with the attitude of "getting thru it."
Today she is still courageous and brave. There is no one she is afraid of. NO ONE. Today she is still overly generous in her gift giving. It is definitely her language of love. Today she is able to recognize and thank me for the efforts I make in taking care of her. Today she is able to communicate how much she misses and loves Lauren. Today she is able to laugh and joke with my Danny. Today she is able to fully be moved by my gift giving to her. Today she still thinks of me and my family when she grocery shops. Today she still stocks her house with treats she knows we like. Today she brags about me in front of people we see in public. Today she beams with pride that I am her daughter and that I am "newly married" and I am visiting her all the way from North Carolina as to say "See how much my daughter loves me that she travels all that way to see me?"
And starting today I want to intentionally honor her and therefor honor my God.
Yen and Jacque Snead, 1976-77(?)
