The Roller Coaster with No Amusement [Park]

My mom's situation is a constant roller coaster ride. It has been since the day she was admitted to the hospital. Literally things can change within a couple of hours. Just when things seem "calm" and "comfortable" things change. Just when things seem terribly sad and stressful, things calm down. I don't know why I wasn't prepared for the ride.

I don't know why its taken me so long, but I finally got it thru my head (and heart?) last night that this is the journey. My father's decline was textbook so things seem to "make sense" in what we were observing.

My mother's condition is declining for sure. But within the decline, there are ups and downs. She was for the most part recognizing my help and being comforted by my presence and communication. Last night she was angry, confused, frustrated and quite stressed out and directed it toward Danny, and most specifically me.

I am her constant. The nurse team changes. The realization of being in the hospital comes and goes. Danny is here minimally too. I'm the one she sees and obviously recognizes easiest. It was hard dealing with her anger. The nurse was kind and reminded me not to take it personally. "She is not herself and her mind is playing tricks on her. You are doing the right thing, you can't take what she says personally."

But I did. I did take it personally in my heart even though my mind told me differently. She is at the end of her rope. And for the first time as I cried leaving her room last night thinking, "I don't want to come back. Don't make me come back."

But this morning I came back. And she was alert although she is not really talking (or can talk). She seemed calm and let me feed her a big breakfast. She is fast asleep again now. The Food Network is on.

The days are like 72 hours each. I have trouble distinguishing which day is which. Zoe and her daughter came up Monday night to take BamBam home with them Tuesday morning. I saw my best friend for a total of 40 minutes. And I was sad to see my puppy go, but with no one at home, he can't be left at home. I am grateful he is having a blast with Espy (Zoe's dog).

I feel guilty when I am not here at the hospital. I feel guilty because I am not available for my daughter. But this is the condition of our lives. What else can I do? What I am doing now seems so insignificant. I have to make decisions for my mom I do not like.

Everyone says, "You are doing the best you can." Am I? What IS the "best" ???

I need to go get some protein. Please keep praying for us.