Wrestling Over the Gray

You've seen her. The middle-aged woman still trying to appear as if she were in her lates 20's. Its painful and sad. No matter how great her figure still is, or how pretty her hair is, her face will tell it like it is.
She is to a certain extent still "attractive" but because she is trying so hard to maintain it, it is painfully unattractive.

This post is about vanity. My vanity.
This post is about the struggle of aging; losing my youth.
This post is about my heart embracing the fact that I am a middle-aged woman.

This post is not a criticism of your vanity or your thoughts of how you deal with these issues, so in no way is it a commentary on your personal journey. (I'll leave my judgemental thoughts between me and God :)

To gray or not to gray, that is the question. Or perhaps the question is to fight the gray or not to fight the gray. To age appropriately or resist it at all costs.

I have always said that I would not start dying my hair until after I was 40. Well, I'm 40.5 and the grays are winning the battle of taking over. There are strands that are literally "striped" from starting out brown, turning gray, fighting back and partially brown and finally giving up and succumbing to the gray. Even though on the surface it doesn't look like I'm graying, when I put my hair in a ponytail or up, there are very obvious dense "patches" of grays visible. Plucking a few here or there is no longer a viable option. There's just too much of it.

I hate that my heart has struggled with this issue because I have always wanted to age gracefully. I understand that at 40.5 I am NOT old, but at 40.5 I am also not "young" anymore.

I am fortunate to have great Asian genes which helps me looking like a young 40.5 (thank you God and Yen Snead), but I was in denial of how far those genes were going to take me. This may seem silly to many of you and in the whole scheme of a broken and hurting world, its ridiculous to even discuss this.

But here I am ...... with a lot of gray hairs peeping through. Should I or shouldn't I? I've decided with no. I've decided to let the gray creep in more and more and as I age and the grays display themselves with confidence, I will walk with confidence knowing I've now chosen to embrace my age, stage of life, and that I am who I am in significance and beauty because of Christ. Cliche, but nonetheless full of truth to live by.

I am sensing a lot of freedom and peace as I have finally decided I don't need to "maintain" or try and compete with 30-somethings (as if I could). I believe strongly I have a responsibility (and natural desire) to keep myself attractive for my hubby. HOWEVER, I relinquish the desire to try effortlessly to regain the youth I once had and to no longer mourn the passing of my youth. In fact, to mark this new found freedom, I got 3 inches cut off my hair. Longish hair is fine, but lonnnnnggggggggg hair even if I could get away with it is no longer needed or appropriate.

"Hello, my name is Jacqueline and I am officially (and happily) middle-aged."