Wow!

I lost 10 pounds! My boobs got bigger! My butt is smaller! My hair lost its split ends! My skin plumped up! I got carded for no reason! I did math above the 5th grade level! I overturned Roe vs. Wade! I almost caused world peace. Stacey London asked me for fashion advice!

Okay, I lie. But I needed to blog about something happy. Maybe I can describe my burrito I had at dinner at Salsaritas?

I thought this week was long.......today has been the longest day of my life and its still not over.

Excerpt from Zoe's email to my girls:

That brings us to this morning. She was alert, talking, and in good spirits. WOW. What a change. As arranged, today was discharge day. Hospice is involved, and there will be nurses/ nurse aids with her in the apartment. They successfully got Mrs. Snead to the apartment, and things were going quite smoothly. She seemed very happy to be there. Were. Seemed.

She decided she needed to go to the bathroom. She didn't understand/ believe Jacqueline about the catheter. Then she decided she needed to take it out. All of the sudden, she "had the strength of an ox." She turned on Jax and Danny, and has been very angry. However, as the hospice nurse said, once she calms down with the sedative she will not remember this ever happened. Unfortunately, Jacqueline and Danny will. Please pray for them.

As you can imagine, it has been a very long, hard day. On top of everything, tonight is shaping up to be a long one. Mrs. Snead's sister and niece are flying in from Ca., but missed their connection. They will arrive in Raleigh around midnight. Please pray for rest, rejuvenation, comfort, a short memory, tenderness and patience for everyone. We also need to pray for the Dulin family as they need time together, and they need their hearts protected.

Thursday

Another day at the hospital. Right now its 8:30 pm. Unfortunately it wasn't just another day at the hospital.

My mom seems to have declined even more. She did not eat today really and was not conscious that I could really tell.

We got here this morning. She loves mushrooms, so I made her scrambled eggs with sauteed mushrooms and bits of green onion and sprinkled with cheese. I was hopeful it would be a breakfast she might enjoy. She could barely eat 2 bites. She fell asleep mid-chewing. There is a bad risk of her leaving food in her mouth when she falls asleep while eating and choking.

I left her to go to painting class. It was a gorgeous day in Raleigh. I've been to both my Monday and Thursday class this week and its been so good for me to have 3 hours to "forget" my life, and remarkably my painting time has been excellent. I'm pretty happy with my 3rd painting. Even my teacher says its a very good painting and I can tell she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it.

After painting class, I came back and have been here all day. I met with Hospice and arrangements have been made for my mother to be discharged tomorrow and be transported to her apartment. It hardly seems possible for her to go back she is completely unable to do anything for herself and is unconscious most of the time now. But there isn't much more they can do here at the hospital and except keep her "comfortable" and wait. Which, I guess we can do just as well in her "home."

She will have a nurse aide for 24 hr care, but the hospice nurse will come every day M-F, or as needed if more. The staff here has been pretty wonderful. Everyone seems to "understand." I can't imagine doing this for a living. Caring for someone who will not get better.

My mother's older sister, my Auntie Oanh (pronounced 'one') is flying in tomorrow from Pasadena. She will be shocked by my mother's condition, but my cousin has tried to prepare her. She will be staying at mother's indefinitely and that will be good. I hope my mom will be able to know she is here.

I have had such a difficult time praying. It seems odd to pray. I can blog, I can paint, I can read (got myself Amy Tan's The Kitchen God's Wife), but I can't pray. When people ask me how they can pray I usually ask for wisdom in decision-making.

My mother is dying. I'm not mad at God. I think I am distantly in awe of Him. Here it is. Another cruel example of our fallen world. Sin exists and it promises each and everyone of us death. He gives and takes away. We all have to die. We can't escape it. This was not what He wanted for us. This was the heartache He knew would pain Him as it pains us.

My theology hasn't changed so far in this experience. It didn't change with my father's death. Perhaps I am too tired to be angry at God. And although you'll hear me say, "It is what it is" in reference to this season of life, there is something so mysterious and unbelievable in watching life slip from a human being. That is powerful. No wonder God cries to redeem us, to save us.

I don't feel the NEED to pray. Or maybe I'm too lazy. He is sovereign. He really IS. Nothing I pray will change the course set before me. I know that and I'm resigned to it, but I'm comforted by it. God is God. And isn't that enough?

It is so heartbreaking to stop and realize what I'm looking at when I look into her eyes that no longer focus on me. They stare up in the ceiling or at the wall. I wonder what must they see. Can they see? The nurses say hearing is the last thing to go. So I am sure to tell her I love her and say sweet nothings to her. It is awkward but necessary. And it is getting easier. My eyes need to smile back at her when in a fleeting moment hers might connect with mine.

Her body is so thin. She was a bitty before, but her legs seem to be the size of my arms. I hate that I am getting use to her withering body. Its weird that it doesn't shock me anymore. My aunt will be heartbroken when she sees her.

Today she needed oxygen. IV, oxygen, catheter...... its all so invasive, necessary and horrific at the same time.

Yesterday, I heard a voice in me that said, "You've lost her." And maybe I haven't, but with so little consciousness and barely any "communication" I have little hope of any normal conversation to return. But who knows, perhaps today we are taking our 3 steps backward and tomorrow we will take one step forward again.

This is sad. This is life. This is death. Nothing I can do will change that.

The Roller Coaster with No Amusement [Park]

My mom's situation is a constant roller coaster ride. It has been since the day she was admitted to the hospital. Literally things can change within a couple of hours. Just when things seem "calm" and "comfortable" things change. Just when things seem terribly sad and stressful, things calm down. I don't know why I wasn't prepared for the ride.

I don't know why its taken me so long, but I finally got it thru my head (and heart?) last night that this is the journey. My father's decline was textbook so things seem to "make sense" in what we were observing.

My mother's condition is declining for sure. But within the decline, there are ups and downs. She was for the most part recognizing my help and being comforted by my presence and communication. Last night she was angry, confused, frustrated and quite stressed out and directed it toward Danny, and most specifically me.

I am her constant. The nurse team changes. The realization of being in the hospital comes and goes. Danny is here minimally too. I'm the one she sees and obviously recognizes easiest. It was hard dealing with her anger. The nurse was kind and reminded me not to take it personally. "She is not herself and her mind is playing tricks on her. You are doing the right thing, you can't take what she says personally."

But I did. I did take it personally in my heart even though my mind told me differently. She is at the end of her rope. And for the first time as I cried leaving her room last night thinking, "I don't want to come back. Don't make me come back."

But this morning I came back. And she was alert although she is not really talking (or can talk). She seemed calm and let me feed her a big breakfast. She is fast asleep again now. The Food Network is on.

The days are like 72 hours each. I have trouble distinguishing which day is which. Zoe and her daughter came up Monday night to take BamBam home with them Tuesday morning. I saw my best friend for a total of 40 minutes. And I was sad to see my puppy go, but with no one at home, he can't be left at home. I am grateful he is having a blast with Espy (Zoe's dog).

I feel guilty when I am not here at the hospital. I feel guilty because I am not available for my daughter. But this is the condition of our lives. What else can I do? What I am doing now seems so insignificant. I have to make decisions for my mom I do not like.

Everyone says, "You are doing the best you can." Am I? What IS the "best" ???

I need to go get some protein. Please keep praying for us.